on a scale from 1 to 10
how mad would you be If I peed in your mouth while you were giving me a blowjob?
10 being really mad and 1 being not mad at all

I want to legally change my name to Cinnamon Applesauce
first name: Cinnamon
last name: Applesauce

they call me Mr. Applesauce

my friends would call me Cinnamon

talking to a fat woman’s stomach as if there is a baby inside of it
is that rude or frowned upon or is it a social grey area?
this is stuff I need to know
so I don’t make the same mistake twice

hashtag the more you know

often I talk to my food
I’m afraid that one day my food will talk back
and then I won’t be able to eat it
actually
I’d probably still eat it

I feel like women should be lining up to have sex with me

what if our eyes were where are ears are and our ears were where are eyes are?
I can’t be the only one that’s thought this
I’ve been up for a while
ignore this

I’d be an excellent stripper
If they let me keep all my clothes on
and wear a jacket


I get chilly sometimes…

I don’t want to feel anything
I just want to be a potato
I’ve said this before
but It’s not any less true

have you ever had an erection that was so magical you had to take a picture because you knew no one would believe you?

1. wake up far too fucking early
2. do that thing you hate but you have to do
3. do that thing you really hate
4. remember to eat (you’re probably gonna forget this one)
5. socially awkward public appearance (really hate this too)
6. do that thing you’ve been guilted into doing (really hate this too)
7. remember to sleep so you can do this all over again tomorrow (hate hate hate)
8. commit suicide

how fucking sad is it that even you have to be shit faced to touch your penis
I feel like drunken masturbation is what you do the night before you realize you need to kill yourself

whenever I meet someone new I just want to say “my insides are made of piss and shit so fuck of and don’t like me”

right now my body is refusing to get out of my bed
this bed isn’t even comfortable
it’s hard as shit and it hot as hell in my room
I’m not even dressed
and you can’t exercise naked If you’re a dude because dick flappage
having a penis is a hassle
80 percent of the time it’s in the way
running naked is the worst
you literally have to hold on to it to prevent it from just flying off
If you don’t you’ll get whiplash in your dick
dicklash

They wouldn’t
but If they did
I wouldn’t be overly sensitive about it
unlike some people
It’s just a bag
I mean you could cut eye holes

I’m semi convinced that my mother is trying to drug me and have me locked away in a crazy house
I’m also semi convinced that my neighbors are governments agents sent by the government to spy on me and my computer is being tapped and monitored
so
either I’m right or I’m crazy and delusional
I have evidence though
I made a chart
*see above chart*